Wednesday, April 4, 2012
I don't fear loneliness, or being alone, or much of anything. I think I'd be okay living like this for a while, where my social life is limited to my coworkers.
I'm fearful of the thought, not that there isn't anyone out there for me, but that there once was, and she slipped through my fingers. That I ruined us (even though I know that I didn't) and now that she's gone, there's no one out there for me anymore.
It doesn't help that I'm good at ruining things for myself. Why should this be any different?
I try not to believe in soul mates. I try to force myself to believe it's a dream for hopeless romantics, forgetting for a moment that I'm a hopeless romantic.
It's like those days when I don't talk. I could say something, but there's no point. I'm not incapable of verbal communication, just momentarily unwilling to participate in it.
I remember those online personality tests I used to take when I was younger. I found one for Neon Genesis Evangelion that seemed so accurate at the time, and sometimes I continue to believe it.
The test claimed that my best match was Ayanami Rei, that we were 99% compatible (and one of my then-friends nailed 100%--I had a crush on him for the longest time, but he's asexual. Figures), if only one of us could step out of our shells for long enough to notice.
I don't want to be alone forever, but I'm afraid I might not have much choice in the matter, as much as I insist on believing in Causality and not in Fate or Destiny.