Monday, January 30, 2012

Dream Journal: 30 Jan 2012

Three boys in our class were looking to compete on a whole new level, since they'd tied on so many easier tests. They planned on a super-high altitude jump.

Only the boys and I went into the plane, and I was there to chronicle the journey, their hopes and fears.

When we got to the jump point, we realized that they'd forgotten something, and I'd forgotten to strap myself down securely enough not to get sucked out of the plane with them. I hastily tied myself with a long length of rubber bungee to my laptop and the bolted legs of the row seats. (The plane was little more than a flying schoolbus)

Then the driver opened the back door,, and the first two boys let go and let themselves be sucked out into the air. The third boy decided not to go through with it, but got sucked out before they could close the door.

When all of us got back on the ground, only the third boy had survived the jump, and our class stood and sat around his dying and broken body, honoring their journey. I was still tied to my equipment, and i sat inside the ring.

They remarked about looking forward to my story, but i doubted if i would ever finish it.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Something Broken, Something Bruised

I'd given all I had to you,
not your fault you put me through
all the pain and the war
that none of us sought before.

All I'd asked was you to be
serious, honest with me...
but now I've known hearts to break,
and it was my pain to take.
I did what I had to do.

I'd reached out far and caught your hand,
thought I'd found a second plan,
closed my eyes and there was you,
hoped and promised and loving too.

But our needs were far from met,
distance we could not forget,
so you slipped, so I fell,
and honestly you did tell...
For that much I meant to you.

I'd chosen you and to flirt,
give no love and get no hurt
we both made plans and both fell through
and I got back all I gave to you:
nothing broken, nothing bruised.

I'd given honesty alone to you,
nothing old and nothing new,
though I felt you want me back,
'til you took away those tracks.

You decided I was too kind,
you wanted mean, I wanted mind.
So you walked away from me
blaming what I wouldn't be,
but saying that it just was you.

I'd given little I had to you,
I jumped though neither flew,
crashed and burned, crashed and burned,
all that pain you put me through.

Then you came and met my past,
and still my plans don't last,
you fell in love and not with me...
did my fate have to be:
chasing, never catching you?

I'd chosen you and to flirt,
give no love and get no hurt
we both made plans and both fell through
and I got back all I gave to you:
nothing broken, nothing bruised.

I'd given most I'd had to you,
but for all you put me through,
far too little I had to take...
so mistakes I chose to make.

All I'd asked you to be
your friends accepting of me,
but now I've known no price to pay,
and now it's all gone away,...
I did what I had to do.

I'd made mistakes to be with you,
promises out the window flew,
hoping the difference to save my soul,
and, once again, I did feel whole.

All you'd asked I did provide,
until I let you too deep inside,
burning bridges until alone,
no garden here, no seeds grown;
I stopped and apart we grew.

I'd chosen me and no one more,
shut the blinds and close the door,
hide my eyes until I see
just Her in front of me.

Secondo Fine
Now I wait and watch and wait,
knowing any moment I might break,
losing hold of sense and real
and touching only what I feel,
reaching for a world with you...

my spirit broken, my heart abused.

This is the second revision, but not the last, of the ongoing poetic history of my romances.. Search swsb for updates.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

With The Lights Out (It's More Dangerous)

Are you still out there? Are you trapped as part of something bigger than yourself?

We all build things that grow beyond us, losing control and sight of our aims and the paths that we once walked. I know I too am guilty of that.

I've starting writing so many times and so many different things. I fear for my characters, if they're still out there somewhere, waiting for me... I stop writing because I start caring so much about my characters that I don't want to ruin it for them. They become real in my head, and I don't know what they would do, what they would say...

I hope they aren't turning their backs on me, like you did, that one time. I still haven't forgiven myself for that, and I still haven't healed.

I don't let myself believe in soul mates, because I think you were the one, if only we had more time to straighten things out. I like to think they would have been worked out...

Now I have to work them out on my own.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Can't Be Used Against Me

you can't see where I'm going,
or why I'm standing here,
watching your one last breath,
leaving you one last tear.
you can't help me move more forward,
though you hardly hold me back...
it's just safer for us all
if you're not standing in my past.

I save you from my fate
if I leave you in the dust,
you'll not suffer my collapse,
you'll not be prone to rust.
you're only safe in my memories,
I'm dangerous in yours,
so when I leave today,
I'll be a stranger at the door.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

The Last Laugh

Sure, I know I'm paranoid,
but it's all for a good cause:
I get accused when I'm right,
when your instructions are flawed.

I make up sheets and charts
to plot to my heart's content
because the stats you put out
are limited to the extent

of telling me how poorly
I measure up to the team.
I'm doing the best I can here,
so I know the problem isn't me.

So, regardless what you tell me,
I'll keep my numbers and graphs,
work how I know I should be working,
and still have the last laugh.

Friday, January 6, 2012


Why can you
not at least be satisfied
that your heart
still beats?

Ifs, Ands, and Buts

If I died when I was younger
and never lived to tell the tale,
I'd hope the dream around me
would never hope to fail.

If I lived only in memory,
where the past ever lives,
I'd pray what you'd remember,
prey what should forget.

And I always reach to touch you,
always reach to strive
to make the world a place,
you could live if you were alive.

And I'm sorry for when I hurt you,
for you know I meant the best:
I just wanted to hold you
and forget all the rest.

But I only died inside,
when the lottery drew your name,
but though I continue striving,
the world has too far changed.

And I've tried to heal the world,
and I try on to this day:
the ones who let me reach them,
and those who push away.