Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Ways To Kill 1

was it really enough? or necessary?

fourteen different ways to kill someone with a tooth pick. twenty-six with a stool. forty-five with a chair. one hundred and sixteen with an unloaded firearm, take your pick. was it all really necessary? why should it matter?

and who was really counting anyways? don't they have any creativity? how can you limit the number of ways you can alter the course of history when all it really takes is the slightest hesitation.


don't think we're any less important because we know who you are. don't think you're any less vulnerable because you don't know us. don't think. the time for thinkers has ended. it's time to do something about it.


fourteen thousand seventy-six. fourteen thousand seventy-seven. fourteen thousand seventy-eight.
are they more ways to kill someone with any given object? bodies? seconds, minutes, hours, days until someone realizes they're gone forever?



i know who's counting, and i know how to stop them. all i need from you is what.

i know you know, because it's you that they're counting. something you're doing. i know everything about you, but i don't know what is so vital about you. you are a meaningless ant in the hill of life.


it will kill us all. just tell me what it is, or i'll take my favourite technique and end it. for you, for them, and for me.

now tell me:

fourteen thousand what?

Monday, December 18, 2006

Not My Place, Anymore

what am I but a memory
of forgotten things best left unsaid,
of painful images of the past,
of the shadows through which I tread.

I daren't show my face to you,
or I might disturb your grace.
I daren't even say hello...
I no longer have that place.

all I bring to you is pain,
through the girl I still love,
your daughter that I helped to live,
but now watches from above.

what am I but a reminder
of memories best left unsaid.
I'm hiding again in the shadows
that have trapped me in my head.

she once rescued me from them,
these shadows in my head.
but now I'd rather be numb inside,
than moving on instead.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Team of Guardians

huddle close to him when I have no-one else,
he takes my tears and my blows,
who keeps me warm on so cold a night,
he is always there-- my leo.

more than a blanket to keep me warm,
but a body sleeping at my side.
he's always there when I'm so alone,
when my spirit weakens and dies.

fall asleep with his paw on my shoulder,
and remember in peaceful dreams:
two of the guardians that watch over me,
one that has just joined the team.

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

When I Kneel

the touch of a hand on my shoulder,
   when I can see nobody there;
the warmth of an arm holding me close,
   so I know that He still cares.

I've had my time to wander and search,
   He has let me hide and doubt;
but when the trauma comes, and the grief,
   He knows I never kicked him out.

He understands I refuse to return
   to the church and what they preach,
but as long as I acknowledge Him in my own way
   I can receive what He needs to teach.

when I go to bed at night
   and miss feeling her body close,
I know that she--through His loving touch
   will never let me go.

and when I stagger through the halls
   with my bags heavy on my back,
I know that They are helping me bear the weight,
   whispering to keep me on track.

when I get lost in the fog
   that shrouds this plane in fear,
when I yearn for blindness in His Sight,
   and for darkness to come near,

He is keeping close company,
   keeping close but letting me flail.
and when I remember that I need to live,
   He's there to light the trail.

He will help me when I ask,
   when I humbly bow my head---
for I never do stand so tall
   than when I kneel instead.

Monday, November 6, 2006

Anubis's Scales

the girl whose heart broke Anubis's scale
gave herself to others to the finest detail.
everyday she fought the battle she ultimately lost,
and she herself would pay the cost.

she gave me her heart when I offered her mine,
and all those months we had were far from enough time.
if we had had years, it would have still hurt so much--
I'd give my everything, just for another brief touch.

but instead, I'm living, for my sake and hers,
living and loving until it becomes my turn
to face Anubis and his golden scales,
to hopefully cash in what a loving heart entails:

to outweigh his feather, to outweigh my sins,
eternal life with her instead of pain with him;
to keep loving and living, in her arms and mine,
together forever, for the rest of all time.

Half My World

my heart hurts as it tries to beat,
my arms feel heavy, my legs are weak,
my head is throbbing, stomach won't be still...
all that keeps me is my will.

my joints pop and ache as I walk,
my throat scratches when I try to talk,
half my world has left me forever--
and I'm doing my best to ride out this tremor.

she went to a place I cannot go,
left me to live and continue to grow,...
someday I will be brought to that place,
and she and I will forever embrace.

time will not interrupt us then:
united indefinitely, hand in hand.

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Time Enough

the day is drawing slowly dark,
coming gently to a close,
and still I weep for my girl--
I know she's there, I know she knows.

may you be there when I pass,
and may we have eternity.
may you be whole, and healed, and mine,
and lose this sour mortality.

may the dawn come again,
to let us live and love,
may when shed these again husks,
and for once have time enough.

Refusing to Rain

tears do not come, though I feel they should,
my body numb, my heart grows old.
it hurts to bring an end to all this
entirely to her, my heart was sold.

the world is not ending when I feel it should,
though I know this is not the end.
a peace in my heart but fear in my soul,
held up by the best of friends.

I'm finding it hard to breathe,
it's so hard for me to believe;
this is too unreal--
it's not the deal
I signed up for when I asked her to be with me.

the sky refuses to rain,
but the clouds diffuse to pain.
I could not handle sun today...
not without her--for whom I pray.

the Captain's come to carry you home--
that you may watch over us...
that we may not be so alone.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


there's a hole in my heart that won't go away,
it wants me to follow, but I know I should stay.
my stomach wants to retch but I know I must eat.
this pain seems endless, but I have my life to keep.

she died in her bed, not in my arms,
not in a way we could sound the alarm.
she died and I loved her, she died and I lived,
she died when there was nothing more I could give.

my heart is now broken and split into three:
one wants to follow, to be where she be;
one want me to survive, to try to stand tall;
one wants me to stop, to rot where I fall.

I know she would want me to continue to live,
to hold on and give what I have to give.
and when my life is done and complete
I too may pass, and in the after we will meet.

but as for now, I will try to live,
try to contribute with what good I can give.
remember the love and the hope that we had
care for it, keep it, and in it be clad.

nurture the hope that I will meet her there
when the kindness of death gives me my share.


Saturday, August 26, 2006


The Lord God spoke unto the darkness which was empty, saying, "Let there be light." And the light of a thousand thousand suns exploded upon the darkness.

Thus, the first day was begun, and it would last a trillion years.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Installing New Software

green as the day I first saw her face,
green as the day you smiled,
green as the day you set my heart racing
       and made my poetry grow wild.

I found a place in my heart that was calling,
where the software was finally installing,
I wrote those words by those trees,
and you smiled at me,
while the ground could not keep me from falling.

Installing New Software

green as the day I first saw her face,
green as the day you smiled,
green as the day you set my heart racing
and made my poetry grow wild.

I found a place in my heart that was calling,
where the software was finally installing,
I wrote those words by those trees,
and you smiled at me,
while the ground could not keep me from falling.

Sunday, February 5, 2006

Grape Smile

The scent of grape leans into my shoulder, sleepy-eyed and cold. She shivers lightly and snuggles closer, and I reach around her shoulder to hold her close. A smile touches my lips, and I let her sleep.

Gently, I ease her off my shoulder and lay her out. Just relax, I whisper, though she does not awake. Her head rests on my lap. A smile touches my lips, and I let her sleep.

I wake as she nudges closer to me, and find myself resting my head against her thighs, and her upon my own. Yin and yang. I smile, and drift back off to sleep.

I open my eyes. She strokes my hair gently and find my head in her lap. She smiles down at me, and she lets me sleep.

She leans over, and I wake as she falls against me once more. I smile, and let her drift off, head on thigh, head on thigh.

The scent of grape brushes me face. She leans in and kisses me, and I open my eyes and smile.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Same

I saw her glance towards me from the front of the room. She seemed interested, unlike the others who always acted so distant. None of us were really so different, but they believed we were. That was all that separated me from all of them. But she felt different.

Something threw me off, perhaps a sharp word from the instructor, or just something that caught my ear, and I looked up from the page of poetry on my desk. She was watching me again. I glanced down at the page. I was writing it for someone. but I didn't know who. It was for someone special, likely someone I hadn't met yet. Maybe I was writing it for her.

She was there again the next day, and everyday after that, always glancing at me, but never approaching. Maybe I was a source of amusement for her, as I was for the others.

Two weeks into her facination, the seat assignments were changed. Now she sat behind me. Immediately behind me. During a break, one day, I dropped a poem on her desk. It was handwritten, in my notebook. Nothing special, just a few lines of verse that I had completed. She read it and passed it up. I turned the page to another, and passed it back. She took it and read another.

I kept turning pages. Eventually, we reached that poem, and I passed it back to her the same as I had done all the others.

I heard a sharp breath from her. Then the notebook was nudged against my shoulder, and I accepted it as I had done all the previous times. I didn't turn to the next page and the next poem. That was the last poem I had written so far. But I had one more inside me now, eager to be released onto the blank page.

I turned to the next page in the notebook, and let the poem spill out. It bled through my heart and soul. My fingers ached when I finally set down the pencil, and heard her gasp.

I looked up to see her standing over me, Reading and re-reading the lines. She noticed me watching her, and handed me a sheet of paper, lined and covered with notes. They were comments, commendations, and kudos.

I read them all. And again. Then I pulled back from the words and looked at the page as a whole. There was a distinct image drawn with the words. She was asking, and that last poem was the answer.

She returned to her seat.

When the seating assignments were changed again, and we were once again across the room from each other, she no longer glanced at me. We didn't speak, we didn't share. There was no need, because we both knew the truth.

That we were the same.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Approaching Apocalypse, Part 1

The ground starts to shake around us, and the field darkens. We stand in a beam of light and the world fades away around us. A new plain grows out of the darkness beneath our feet, and we now stand on a desolate landscape, dry and cracked from drought. A dark silhouette appears on the horizon.

"The transition is competing."

"What do you mean?"

"We are now in a universe where we can fight this, and hopefully save our own. Here, everything that we brought with us, all the symbols that we carry, and all the experience we have mustered, becomes real."

"Real? What are you talking about?"

"Watch." I gesture at the figure, which has drawn closer. I allow it to close in on us, and it pauses so that we are just within its range. But it is also within mine.

"What is that thing? What’s happening to me?"

"That is a fire witch, a rather weak monster from a world that manifests because of what i brought with me. And it has just cast confusion on you."

She was struggling to fight it, but the curse forced her to start attacking us. "Can you not stop it?"

"I can. This is my proof that all of this is real, that this world can hurt us, and that we must do everything in our powers to survive it. If we defeat these enemies, their mirror forms in our world will be defeated."

"Just cure me already!"

I tossed a small vial at her, and it broke against her. She stopped.

"What are you going to do about that?" she gestured at the fire witch, which was beginning to recast confusion.

"Oh, that's easy enough. Like i said: it's a weak enough monster." I turned to faced it, my staff glowing real beside me. "Vak don!"

Lightning fell from the sky and crashed down upon the figure, shocking it to oblivion. It fell to the ground and faded away.

"Well, that was easy enough."

"Don’t get cocky." I turned to the others. "That was only the beginning, and every symbol that we brought with us, every world that they pertain to, is here. I wear .hack, thus the fire witch appeared before us. But there are more worlds to approach, and stronger monsters and enemies. We shall have to be careful. You can die here more easily and more permanently in this place than you could in those games. The apocalypse will send everything it has against us, and that includes ones with equal or greater strength. Together, we can win, but it will take all of us. Despite your characters' histories and experiences, this will not be an easy battle to fight."

Thursday, January 5, 2006


Two conversations rippled into my ears, one on the left, the other on the right. I removed the right bud and let it dangle from it's thread around my neck. That was business. Left was left in my ear: play. Sometimes I let them both gobble, but not now. Play had become business, and business was deadbeat.

I heard the dry voice of my correspondence in my left ear. he spoke cleanly and crisply. my fingers followed obediently, and he guided me onto the net through the back roads. I found him sitting by the wayside and picked him up as a scrap of code. I let him ride on my left shoulder.

-We're in trouble, you know.

^Why am I not surprised? We're always in trouble. you never seem to be able to get enough of it.

-But doesn't it give you a high?

^Sometimes. Not this time. I'm tired of digging you out.

-Digging me out? Oh, you have no idea where I've gotten myself into this time. Just watch.

His dataform called forth a datastream, and it pulsed toward us.

-You see what I've found. What you've been looking for. But speaking of digging me out, I could use a few bytes...

^No. Not from me you won't I've given you to many. You're addicted, plain and simple.

-Addicted? But it's just info. Can't you help me? Just a byte of news. What's it like to live out there?

^No, you've had enough.

-Payment then?

^Sorry, you owe me plenty of favors to let this pass. Understand? Mark this as permission to delete one of the lesser from your list.


^Now go. Find yourself another dataditch to lock yourself into. I have business to return to.

 I flicked him off my shoulder, and he bled back into the landscape. I logged out.