Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Don't Even Try

you can chain me
but don't change me;
I'm never going back.

you can hold me,
can't withhold me;
I'm already on my track.

you can love me,
don't englove me;
I'm never going to hide my shine.

you can protect me,
but can't defect me;
I know this freedom is mine.

Come Closer (Mature)

Mature Content
--

come and take me

          I won't hold back



Continue reading on DreamCruder

Merry Go Round

come and play with me til midnight
come and have some wine
come and bring your own muse
and I'll show you a good time.

come and stretch your arms open wide,
come and help me scratch the sky,
come and dive in dreams so deep
to where we'll live and never sleep.

How We March

I don't know what you've been told
       I don't know what you've been told

but the future won't unfold
       but the future won't unfold

if you don't stand and let if go
       if you don't stand and let if go

open your mind and let it grow
       open your mind and let it grow

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Gentle Revival

lest you bleed at the sight of green
rest your mind upon this leaf.
let your breath return, and breathe,
let your eyes see what the bubbles bring.

lest the purple makes you choke
rest your spirit upon this rope.
let your heart slow, not stop,
let your masks falter, drop,
and then I'll return you to the ground.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I'm Your Pretty (And Your Dog Too) (Mature)

Mature Content
--

you can lock me out
but can't lock me away.
I'm here too strong,
I'm here to stay.

you can refuse to see me
but you will remember and miss
our poisonous touches
and my bitter kiss.

you can turn away
but you can't turn me out:
you're too used to my rain
to survive my drought.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Stop Pretending

you can pose
and prosper.

you can moue
and stay mute.

you can huddle,
unhumble.

you can cut
something cute.

you can pretend
you're too good

for the likes
of little me.

you will stumble
you will stutter

when I break away
free.

Even If I Were Blind

you can close your eyes and look away
but you can't discount the words I say.
you can refuse to listen, refuse to hear,
you can decline to acknowledge I'm standing there,
but you're too colorful to be painted in grey.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Parts of Me

I'm broken inside
where you can't see...
broken inside,
and falling deep.

I'm breaking up
when I can reach you,
falling apart
and don't know how to...

how to make you find me,
how to make you see,
how to make you realize
you're a part of me.

The Fallen Have Dreams Too

I caught death staring at me.
He was amazed at all that I could see.
I caught death staring at me;
I stared him down so he could see
everything he wished I could be.

Unforgiven Is Unforgotten

don't hate me for what I didn't do,
don't hate me for what I did.
I may have stepped into your world,
I may have butchered your favorite squid.

I may have done something unforgivable,
but forgiveness is not my game.
all I want is simple enough:
I want you to know my name.

Weightless

pierce me where it hurts the most,
get in hard and get in close,
break my darkness with your light.
at long last everything will be alright.

take my blessings with the moon,
she's my inheritance, she'll be here soon;
light up my world with your heart
and my world won't fall apart.

lift me, raise me, to your dias high,
I cannot fall once I touch the sky.

All Natural, Chemical Free

give me a book to hold the world in,
to grow the stories that I tell,
a tree nourished by my words:
fertilizer I make myself.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

When Autumn Meets Winter

branches that bend and leaves that fall,
beauty that waits but never does call,
voices that whisper, breath that heats the night,
and sensations that set my heart alight.

I Can't Wait Forever

you can measure all the clouds,
or enjoy them from the ground,
paint perfect colors,
or feel the sunlight all around,

you can attack my pain with Reason,
or you can throw all that away,
you can come sit by my side
since it's you that makes my day.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Anywhere But Here

take me away to somewhere,
wherever you will be.
I'll leave behind my bloodkin
to make my family.

fly with me away, anywhere,
give me walls, a roof, a floor.
I'll be spoiled while I have you
and won't need any more.

drift with me away, somewhere,
float to the ends of the seas,
    til the water merges with the sun,
    til you and I become just one,
to wherever we can breathe.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Arrival

we gather here this night
to witness and to weather,
the joining of the dreamed
and the dreaming at last together.

we congregate and populate,
we mate and conquer the divide,
we think and still postulate,
then we sleep and at last, arrive.

when you wake your spirit lingers,
waiting for your return;
when the beggars finally prosper,
they're reaching for their urn.

when you at last revisit,
though we've gone about our lives,
we take a pause for all the dreamers...
everything changes when you arrive.

Wrote Your Own Rules

shake your palm, upside down
    you are trapped in the dream:
    you are more than you seem.
    you have stories and games
    just waiting to play,
    but you must remember what it means.

    you're diving into your dreams
        nothing is real,
        nothing will stay,
        nothing you promised
        will ever come my way.
    where everything is more than it seems;
        nothing will stay
        but it grows in the night,
        something comes this way,
        and I must make it right.
    someone telling stories, trapped in games
        we're growing in the night,
        our beauty, our lives,
        we must make it right...
        it's coming, our time.
    trapped and forced to join and play
        our beauty builds life,
        but we must agree to live.
        it's coming, our time,
        to grow, remember, decide.
    and you can't remember what it means...
        we must decide to live,
        for everything we promised.
        we're growing and deciding...
        Wake Up, and know it is real.

    you're not trapped in the dream:
    you are more than you seem.
    you have stories and games
    just waiting to play,
    but you will remember what it means.
let the dice fall so you can play

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Gamemaster Wears No Nametag

you can try to hide your face,
but I still know who you are;
you crept down my back stairwell
thinking you set off no alarm,

but I know who you work for
and I know the details of your past.
I know what your game is
and I know You. Won't. Last.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Closing Summary (Mature)

Mature Content
--

you can call me lady all you want
but I won't ever be your bitch,
go and run your bloody motor loud,
I'll just swat you like an itch.

you can call me when you need me,
but I won't always be there to be leashed,
you can try me, try to call me,
but I can't always be reached.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

(It's Not Stalking) When You Yell In My Ear (Mature)


Mature Content
--

I dare you, you dare me,
I dare to just try;
I dare yous coming at you

Am I gonna make you cry?

I'm a bloody artist,
playing music all morning long,
if you're not up by ten-thirty sharp
you'll be woken by my song.

do it on a weekend,
when I come home from work

sure, when you go home,
and we've proved you can't make me hurt.

go home, lassie, run home,
don't get lost along the way,
if you come back here,
don't come back here,
there'll be no replay.

shove that fucking ipod
silly, it's a gigabeat,
up his ass so far
kinky turn on, don't break my heart.
he'll have
your hand will get stuck.
beiber stuck to his head
he is kinda cute....
forever

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

(Climbing Out Of Bed Is) A Chance Game



you can toss me
you can push me
you can throw me away
you can punish
you can torture
you can rue my every day
you can bully
you can tease
you can watch me tally the days
til it's over
til it's over
til I go my own way.

Betrayed By A Smile

you can smile at me all you want,
but you can't tear my love apart,
I'm taken, committed, vouched fo--
          ...damn, there goes my heart.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Untitled

it's easier to ignore you
when I never see your place,
it's easier to forget you
when I don't wince at your grace.
it's easier to unimagine you
when I can't chance seeing your face,
it's easier, so much easier,
when you're not living in that space.

don't leave me any tokens--
I'm already trying to forget your name,
and the scars that are most permanent
never see the light of day.
don't leave parting remarks,
don't invite me to your ball,
don't try to repair anything,
just stop storming down my hall.

Free


I can see all I need to see,
trapped here in this room with me,
locked away behind the screen:
every thing that makes me free.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Why Do You Fear Witches?


I can see right through the shattered window,
though the pane still stays whole;
I can see right around that corner,
I know you're coming so I don't need to hope.

I know it's ghastly, and you'll recoil,
but who I am, what I see, can't be foiled...
I don't speak of fear:
that rope's long been near,
I don't understand why your blood has to boil.

Where Are We Going?

wind me 'round and 'round,
and I'll be sure you come along,
pull me by my art's heart,
I'll soon be singing your own song.

claim me by my o-rings,
my anchors, wire, and chain;
claim me, don't you shame me,
or I'll do the very same.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Only Water (Mature)

Mature Content
--

"I bet you thought you were done with me," I heard over the sound of the shower and the door creaking. I recognized the voice immediately, and kept my eyes closed.

I shower in the dark, and the opening door brought in unwanted light. Fortunately, the voice closed it again shortly, though from the sounds of the floorboards, the voice's owner was within the bathroom, not without.

I sighed, loudly and intentionally, and the voice laughed. I hate that laugh.

"You're going to regret everything you've ever done to me, everything you've ever thought about doing to me, and everything you would never think to do."

I heard the whisper of clothes coming off and being laid on the floor gently, trying to be unheard.

"You're going to regret everything, and I'm going to enjoy this."

I felt as much as I heard the shower curtain being pulled back, with no intended subtlety. I considered opening my eyes, but abstained.

Lips brushed my own, a hand stroked from my shoulder to my scrotum, and I succeeded in not flinching. More skin press against me, trying to engulf me, but I would not be contained.

I opened my eyes, and I could see.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

My Cup Runneth Over

whisper through the trees
and whisper throu-ough me,
whisper in my mind,
take the gale, take the grind,
and the wind will set you free.

hold your ground and hold the sky,
hold the chalice and the rye,
(to the Goddess I do make
and worship She will take;
all others need not apply)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Ear-Molestation

when you pass, you fondle my ears,
and I have nothing more to say;
I used to wear them just for me,
but now it's to make your day.

you always stop at just my ears;
ever wish to reach for more?
maybe they're furrier than the rest of me,
won't know til you explore...

Monday, November 15, 2010

White Mistress

The leaves were already turning, and it felt too soon, like spring had just left and summer should still be in full bloom. But no, the leaves were turning, and beginning to fall.

I stumbled through the woods to find my resting ground, where I would lie through the snow and dream of spring rains; where I would sleep through the cold and garb myself in my own warmth and the muted warmth of the earth rising below me; when I came across winter's own mistress. The cold was always harsh to me, leaving my joints aching and begging for relief, but she was beautiful. My heart whispered sweet nothings that fell and froze on unhearing ears.

I found I could not move, crouched in the shadows of a nearly bare bush. She was simply too alluring. As sunlight stabbed down into the clearing, shifting and weaving about herself, I realized she was not alone.

Two snow-white peacocks wove in the darkness of the woods and glowing light of the clearing around her. Their brightness against my world of darkness left spots on my vision, until all I could see were their trails.

Slowly again, the spots faded and no one and nothing danced before me. My joints groaned in pain, and I crawled carefully forward. Above, flakes of snow were beginning to fall. I stretched again, before hurrying on my way.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Everything I Am

I've given all that I have,
and you still turn away...
don't cover your ears,
don't misquote what I say.

I've carried all your burdens
and I've felt all your strikes,
forgive me for running
and forgive that I hide.

I'm losing all my strength
and I'm losing all my friends...
they stole all my crutches
and I'm approaching my end.

I'm begging you to hold me,
pleading for shelter through the storm,
please give me your blessings
since I refuse to conform.

Friday, November 12, 2010

It Will Never Work

you can spill them on the table,
on the counter,
on the floor...
you can spill them where you care to,
I won't clean them up anymore.

you can leave them there to rot,
to compost,
or to mold,
you can leave them there forever,
but this is really getting old.

you can try to run away from me,
push away,
leave me alone.
you can try to beat the best of me,
but you'll never take my home.

I Want To Be Human

I never feel less human
staring at me staring back at you,
my eyes are having trouble tracking
and they're stuck boring you through.

I never feel less human
with my body broken on the floor,
my joints won't bend, muscles won't pull
to push me out the door.

I never feel less human
while my brain continues to tick,
it's processing and whirring,
but I can't make one thought stick.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Learning To Understand


butterflies in my eye
and caterpillars in my hand,
landing on me,
trusting me,
in ways I don't understand.

speckles in my cornea
and light streaming from my eye,
I trust I'll know
how to live with the glow,
and take everything else in stride.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Olympus

I can see the gravel,
little stones making up the road,
shaloming between the cliffs,
up the mountain, tall and whole.

I can walk the road,
see all the houses on the plain,
meet all the people who didn't climb,
who didn't question or complain.

I can breach the enbankment,
feel the strain in my legs,
push my body to the limit,
to live, not sip the dregs.

I can feel my muscles complaining,
but the view is worth the pain,
I can see the people below,
like sheep upon the plain.

I will keep climbing,
though the road gets harder still,
sinking my own pitons
in the curiosity of my will.

I still am climbing,
up the mountain that bears all names,
it could as easily be Olympus,
but the point is still the same.

I have climbed out of the foothills,
which you barely tread at all;
I have so much more to gain,
so much further to fall.

But I still know it's worth it
to discover who I am.
I am searching for my purpose,
all I ask is for a hand.

Am I Allowed To Breathe?

why can't I hold you in my arms
when I see different shapes in the stars,
why must you sound the alarm
light your torches, burn my cairns?

why can't I celebrate with you,
why can't we stand shoulder to shoulder,
why must you light the pyre,
why must my body smoulder?

I'm going to stand tall
even if you step back and wait for me to fall.
I'm going to stand stong
even if you insist my truth is wrong.

I'm going to keep on going,
keep on standing tall and strong,
and if you're not there with me,
if you're not going to sing with me,
I'll sing a solo for my song.

I'm crawling trying to find me,
I might trip, stumble, flinch,
but I'm learning, growing, finding,
there's no need to play the Grinch.

if I can't keep my family,
I'll keep closer my friends,
I can't choose my blood,
but I know who'll be there til the end.

if you won't let me believe
what hope my heart calls to,
why should I breathe...
what else can I not do?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

After The Storm



lock me in a wind tunnel and suck out all the air,
kiss goodbye all promises and close your tired eyes,
regress into your dreams and memmories,
regress into the night,
I'll keep falling back through the years
to when I held you in my sight.

lock me in the emptiness that has no seeing bounds,
kiss me on the wisp of dreaming that you're still around,
let me fall backwards into what's left of the moon,
remember me when the time comes...
remember how I miss you.

light all the matches, all the candles, all the sea,
light all the pathways, all the hallways, all the trees,
light every prayer stick, all the incense, all the hearts,
leave them burning until we're no longer pulling us both apart.

lock me in a wind tunnel and suck out all the air,
lock me away where nobody can see me or can stare.

lock me in the emptiness that has no seeing bounds,
tell me this isn't loneliness and your spirit still holds it's ground.

kiss goodbye all promises when tonight I close my eyes,
and when morning finally comes,
tell me I'll be alright inside.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Squatters, Inc Proposal



Look around.

In this troubling economy, there are too many companies that have closed their doors leaving so many warehouses and industrial parks empty for want of tenants.

For every warehouse that has closed its doors, hundred of jobs are taken away, leaving so many families without a steady source of income. They may lose their house, their cars, and more.

These warehouses are standing empty, and with no one to buy or lease their space, the banks and owners draining their pockets waiting for the economy to turn around.

This is where Squatters, Inc. comes in.

Squatters, Inc rents warehouse space below cost from the owners, because some income is better than no income at all. Through cooperating with your cities and townships, Squatters, Inc subleases the warehouses to those who have lost their jobs. Rent is based on square footage: the more space you need, the more space you pay for, and every tenant gets a roof over their heads.

Squatters, Inc will even help you move, contracting local moving companies and college students, keeping your money helping the local economy.

With so many empty warehouses and house foreclosures, there's no shortage of room, and Squatters, Inc is here to help.

Are you a loan representative concerned about the drain on your resources and eager to sell at any cost? If you find a buyer while we rent out the property, that's not a problem. Let us know when you're getting ready to close a deal and we will clear out the warehouse in forty-eight hours.

That's the beauty of Squatters, Inc: we're here to help get your local economy on its feet.

--
Squatters, Inc
Helping your economy get back on its feet with local support and local resources

Sunday, October 17, 2010

More Than Just Portraits

i don't know what you see in me
but it's not what i am inside;
i've read all your classifieds,
and you don't hold my key.

There's No REDO In RElatiOnship

getting back with my exs is pointless:
I'd just repeat the same mistakes.
if it didn't work the first time,
this try sure won't take.

getting back with an ex means
not following a promise through.
I have yet to see a reason
to make exception to a rule.

I don't get back with exes,
no matter what you think...
I may flirt or tease but I won't
trust a ship I know will sink.

Making Silence

you can stop my voice
but you cannot stop my head,
you can stop listening,
so I'll think these thoughts instead.

you can cross me out
and don't think of me at all,
but I'm still watching watching...
I'll quietly watch you fall.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

This Is Why I Hate You (Mature)

Mature Content
--

not for your owner,
who's done me so much pain,
who's burned up all my bridges,
who's convinced we are the same.

not for your family,
who hates me through and through,
but for something you did...
for the things you can't undo.

she still loves me but she's scared,
she remembers who I am,
she remembers all our work,
she remembers all I planned;

she still loves me but she's scared,
and has anger in her heart;
you stole away the beauty
and tore apart the art.

she still loves me but does blame me
for the intruder in her home,
she still loves me but she needs me
to take frustrations when we're alone.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Visiting Bellona

if you can leave you're not really here,
it gets in your blood, in your dreams, in your fears,
it gets in your pores and never washes away,
if it gets in then it's there to stay.

if your fingernails are ever clean,
no stains on your face or on your jeans,
if you forget this feeling of being free,
you were never here, you can never leave.

Reading Is Training Enough (Mature)

Mature Content
--

I picked up the scalpel and looked at it queerly. The nurses and doctors around me glanced at me nervously. A young tech, who was standing right next to me at the time, took my elbow gently with one hand; with his other hand, he carefully took the scalpel and turned it around.

"It goes this way, sir."

I giggled. He was funny. My chuckle must have been distorted coming through the paper mask, because the other doctors were looking concerned. I think it was because they couldn't see my broad smile that everybody tells me is reassuring.

"Come on, folks, let's get to work!" I did a poor moonwalk closer to the body, and another tech appeared at my other elbow, gently holding on. I pulled them closer to the table, and leaned forward ready to make the first incision.

~

I was still grinning when my alarm went off, and even still when I walked into work. That doctor was a lot like me, I was certain, because I'm a virgin and I work at an adult store. But none of this stuff I sell can hurt anybody, right? I've read up on these things and know where they go, mostly.

Death By Back-Stabbing

this is my new friend and my faith,
this is the light and the glow;
this is my hope and my way,
this is the mic and the show;
this is my future and my home,
though we all stand up here alone,
this is what I've always known.

these are the lights in my eyes,
more eternal than the longest sunrise,
my one and my friend,
my life and my end,
where I'm happy, where I'm healthy, where I'm home.

when you hear the words I say,
you learn I can't die alone:
I've married my muse,
the stage and the blues,
I'm with friends til I close my eyes.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Proof That I'm Invisible

I used to sneak up on people while wearing chain pants and bright shirts. It's true that I'm good at walking quietly, but neither am I that good nor always trying. They always complimented my quietness, but that's not it. I'm just the invisible man.

I have so much difficulty getting jobs--my applications just disappear in the stack. Even if I'm perfectly qualified, they'll still pass over me.

I vanish in crowds, or when I'm alone and a crowd passes by. Nobody sees me until I'm in their way, until they're trying to walk through a space that I already occupy and we collide; then it's my fault because I "came out of no-where." That's a direct quote.

It extends to my car too. Other vehicles turn into me, cut me off, pedestrians step right out in front of me, and when we collide--more often the vehicles than the pedestrians--I "came out of no-where" again and it's my fault because I "had to be driving too fast," especially in residential areas where I always go below the speed limit, much to the annoyance of vehicles behind me that are trying to drive through me.

I'm just as invisible as the hawk overhead that nobody sees because nobody bothers to look up. Nobody bothers to pay attention to me, until it's too late. And, as always, it's my fault.

~

I've been told by McDonald's that they won't hire me three times, and the only time I got any reasoning behind the decision, they told me I didn't talk enough. First off, it's fast food, so the focus should be on efficiency--get in, get out, get on with life--as opposed to entertainment and socializing--keep them talking until they're hungry again or their food gets cold and they're late for whatever appointment that have set--and that's not to say I'm one to skimp on customer service.

I've been told by Barnes and Noble that I sounded perfect for the position they were hiring for and they'd "definitely get back in touch" with me, only to find out a couple of months later, after they hadn't called, that they filled the position internally.

I've shown up for planned group gatherings that I've RSPV'ed for well in advance, and found the host missing, then called the contact number, left a voice message, and never heard from them for months. The most recent one was at Morton Arboretum, and I'm still waiting.

~

Now, my seasonal summer job is coming to a close and I'm having trouble finding a job. There are few enough here as it is and nobody can seem to see me or my applications. When I've called to inquire, as I always do, either they tell me not to call, or can't find record of my application.

So, does anybody have a job for an invisible man? How many people do you know who can put that on their resume?

Monday, October 4, 2010

You Can't Reach Far Enough To Save Me

take a magnet to my computer
and a hammer to my head,
take all those steps back
from the safe wall--instead
lean over the cliff
with no rope to hold me high.
I'll jump and leap and fall,
and never learn to fly.

take back all these years
like there never passed a day
since I missed your presense,
since you went away.
take me back to the beginning,
back to the start.
gravity's pulling,
you're still holding my heart.

I'll come crashing down,
everything split in two,
nothing left for anyone,
unable to live for you.
what's wrong with the ideal?
a mountain they cannot scale,
a gorge they cannot bridge,
a test they'll always fail.

it always hits the hardest,
alone, late at night,
with nobody there to whisper
"everything'll be all right."

don't speak to me of rebounds,
'til you've played the game like me,
I'm the only player,
the devil's the referee.
don't speak to me of rebounds,
I keep tossing mine all true,
but the devil makes up details
and each time is a redo.

don't tell me how it hurts,
between your heart and your head;
just leave and keep staying whole
while I, here, am broken instead.
don't tell me why it hurts,
my standard's pretty high--
you may have scaled mountains
but I fell from the sky.
--

Stanza 2, Lines 5-8 and Stanza 3, Line 1 are from Mat Kearney's Undeniable and I claim no ownership to them.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Walk With Me

roll down your windows,
scale back the roof,
turn off the A/C,
and I'll give you proof...

leave you little
combustion engine behind;
leave your closed-off world
and come visit mine.

if you can't smell the trees,
you're not really here;
get off your ass
and get it in gear.

if you can't hear the birds,
they'll shit on your car.
come on closer;
you don't have to go far.

it's hardly a nautre walk
if you're not face-to-face...
come walk with me
and measure my pace.

A Prayer In Limericks

give me a place view a view,
a way to reach up and touch you,
four fingers of stone
never alone,
and opportunity to worship and learn.

give me the long quiet road,
through fields long over-plowed,
a home at the end,
for myself, and friends,
and the peace for which I've yearned.

give me my inheritance in trees,
where birds are fish set free,
broad waves of green
who are what they mean,
and I have no wealth left to spurn.

give me nothing I haven't earned,
let me toil, let me harvest, let me learn,
let me build with my hands
these earth-crafted lands,
let me appreciate your hard work in turn.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

When The Gods Stop Burning

The wind whipped the few remaining leaves as they strained on their buds and branches. The sky was as dark as a cloudly midsummer's twilight, but you knew those weren't clouds. The smell of ash stung in your mouth and nose.

Above you, that tree, which once held the body of a man, was still stained with his blood, showing deep and black in the darkness. The field before you was long since plowed and replanted and replowed, the furrows long and deep and leeched of nutrients. Across that long field that once waved brilliant golden strands sat a smoking ruin.

As you approach, the ash will sting your eyes and stain your clothes. You will stand there, watching the world smoulder.

There's clearly nothing left for you here, as the landscape blends into the grey sky, but something keeps pulling you back. Turn slowly in a circle, and remember the life this place held in your last visit, now long past. We know your curiosity would get the better of you, and while your hands are jammed into your pockets and absently playing with their meager contents, you don't pull out the silver Liberty dollar. When you remove your hands, instead its familiar weigh still presses against you thigh through the thin cloth.

You push what remains of the door aside as you step into the farmhouse. The walls are all but gone and the visible foundation stones are burned as black as the stain on the tree. The stalls are gone, marked only by the metal braces that held the gates, now fallen to the packed-earth floor.

Counting your paces more carefully than the stalls, you return to where you think the women sat. In truth, you'e one stall short, but that doesn't matter. There's nothing there: no walls, no women, no water.

You can run from these ruins but they'll still haunt you; the stains will never come off your clothes, off your skin, and the smell of ash will always bring all these images, unbidden, back to your mind.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

We're Only Caterpillars

come dance along with butterflies,
like my fingers on your back;
come dance and metamorphosize
upon this unlit track.

come and dance and follow me
deeper into these trees;
there's a place in here I hold dear,
it's in you and it's in me.

come and glow with lightning bugs,
join nature in it's place;
leave all of civilisation behind,
show the Goddess your true face.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

This Isn't Dedication

I'm not going to turn
aboutface and say
I'll change and give
me one more day.

I'm not going to turn
aboutface and wish...
I'm not going to turn.
I'm not going to turn.

I make bad decisions but I follow them through:
I follow my failures, I follow my mood,
I follow, I follow,
but I don't lead the way...
too often I don't do and pain comes my way.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Still Falling

falling by the wayside but still looking around,
they know my eyes hardly ever graze the ground,
keeping my eyes open and keeping my dreams,
keeping on thinking all nature of things.

don't forget there's no leash law for imagination,
mine runs wild on the hunt for inspiration,
keeping its eyes open and keeping its dreams,
and keeping on singing the teasers it gleans.

and those teasers are teasers and I always want more,
those snippets are slipping right under the door,
the crack's never wide enough and I don't have the key
to unlock, to access, to quench my curiosity.

MiSCOnception

maybe I did and didn't do what I said,
maybe I tripped and fell again instead,
maybe I stumbled,
maybe I fell,
maybe I wished at the wrong wishing well.

maybe I'm nothing or maybe I'm more,
maybe I'm on the ceiling and you're on the floor,
maybe I'm dreaming,
maybe you're real,
maybe I'm just not willing to feel.

maybe I'm just not me at all,
I've mistaken before the name that's called,
maybe I'm not
who I wanted to be...
maybe, just maybe, I don't deserve to be winged.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Art Is My Magic

I'm always trying to show myself around, join more places to post my art, for a multitude of reasons:

  1. Less likely someone will steal something. Though, since I'm mostly a writer, anybody who steals literature is in a sad place indeed. Besides, if I already belong to the community they're posting my stolen art, then I already have an in with the administrators.
  2. More publicity. Different websites cater to different types of art. 
    • Lemonfingers in only for Literature. 
    • Artician is only for visual art. 
    • FanFiction.net is only for fan-fiction (I hope that was obvious). 
The problem with deviantArt where my main account resides, is most people (75% or so) are looking for and creating visual art. It's true that it's one of the largest art communities in English, and most of my friends are there. It's also where I've been the longest and the largest collection of my art exists, shy of my extern back-up drive.

I'm hoping not only to post much of my art here as well, but include it with some of my own commentary, which is something I rarely do. I hope you all enjoy.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Homocide (Mature)

Mature Content
--

what do you see in me that's so different and dangerous?
my skin is your skin
   and
my blood is your blood.
we share,
we grow,
we learn,
we study,
we hope and we pray that our families will survive the night.
we pray.

we open our eyes at the beauty that is
each and every
Brand New Day
and close them every evening to
Hasten the Arrival
of the next.

we breathe.
my heart pushes the same blood through my veins
   as
your heart pushes through your veins.

we hold our truths to be self-evident.

we extend our arms to those we find dear to us.
but I reach a little father
but my arms spread a little wider

and yours don't reach me at all.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Totems and Concepts

As I brought up in my previous piece, "Dream Signs vs Totems," totems can be very simple things, nothing magical at all.

The hard part to remember in this world, in these dreams that they are creating, the characters are trying to recreated the World As We Know It as closely and perfectly as possible, so to have a "magical" totem is to bring unreality into the dream and attention to yourself from the projections.

I've been puttering around with ideas for totems, and have come up with this short list below. You folk are welcome to use them under two conditions:
1. Give me credit. Somehow, someway share that you've gotten them from divBy0 on deviantart or provide the link, or something.
2. If you come up with any spin offs, let me know. I'd love to create a list of concepts if for no other reason that to help people understand the concept of totems.

-> Chess piece that falls in only one direction (weighted on one side, off balance) [this is NOT my idea, this one is actually in the movie]

-> Mini inflatable punching bag that doesn't stand on its base (weight inside moved or removed)

-> Ring that pinches uncomfortably when put on, taken off, or spun on the finger

-> Water bottle with pinhole under label or at bottom that leaks slowly when the cap is removed (no magic here, just simple physics)

-> A pen with an unusual balance point (most pens have balance points in the middle third)

-> A top that doesn't spin on its tip (off balance, or spins on a different point)

-> A coin with a non-obvious typo, misprint, or the wrong number of hashes around the edge.

-> Random flavor candies that are a predetermined flavor (compare to "mystery flavor" gummies)

-> A puzzle box or ring that's solved in a unique way (if the architect doesn't know it's a puzzle ring, it will apear as a regular ring in the dream)

Dream Signs vs Totems

I'm looking at information about totems as I'm slowly coming down from this glow that I have after watching such a fantastic movie, and finding a lot of people talking about them.

And I am seeing a lot of holes and misconceptions.

First of all: Cobb's totem is defective, or, more soundly, ineffective.

For a totem to work, only the owner can know of any special properties. Everybody knows that his totem spins forever in the dream and falls in reality. Since they all know this, when they bring him into their dream, his top might stop spinning.

Second: Totems don't have to have any "special" properties.

I'm looking around at some people's concepts of totems, and they're making up fantastic possibilities:
-fishing lines catching certain fish
-card decks staying in certain orders
-and so on.

In truth, totems are nothing so complicated. A totem is simple something you can carry with you in a dream and only you are familiar with. Presumably the pawn is weighted on a certain side only, and is easy to topple only in a certain direction. It's the same property as the weighted die. The only catch is, no-one else can know the special property. This is where Cobb's top fails.

A totem can be the simplest thing in the world as long as you know it intimately and no-one else does. Even though Ariadne hasn't spent much time with her totem, the pawn or bishop, as the others have, the simply act of making it is a familarization process. Anything that you making lovingly and uniquely becomes part of you, and the balance of the object, all of its flaws and perfections, is burned into you, into them. This applies especially to people who commonly use their hands to create art.

Third: a lot of people are confusing dream signs with totems and vice versa.

A dream sign is something that you can look at within your own dream to be certain whether you are dreaming. Depending on the skill and experience of the dreamer, this can be a broad range of things. I've listed some of the more common ones below:
-Clocks and watches: Look at them, then look away, and look at them again. In real life, they run sequentially, systematically, and logically; in a dream this may not be so. In real life, only a few seconds may have passed, but in the dream it may show a completely different time, it may have changed between being digital and analog, or the face and/or number may have completely disappeared.
-Light switches: In reality, throwing a light switch causes something to turn on or turn off. In dreams, very often, they simply don't work.
-Mirrors: Look into them in reality and you see your world, reversed and reflected back at you. In dreams, mirrors sometimes don't reverse the images, and occasionally turn into windows or doorways. Go ahead and try to touch the surface of the mirror. Don't be afraid, those of you who have watched "The Matrix." Remember, the worst thing that can happen is that you wake up.

With all of these, however, depending on the degree of experience the dreamer has with lucidity and control, any of these tests may fail. More experienced lucid dreamers will have personal and more extensive dream signs to look for in their own dreams. Those new to dreaming are encouraged to stick to these.

Totems, on the other hand, are an object that you always keep with you, and only you are intimately familiar. The effect this brings is if you are drawn into someone else's dream, they may have tried to recreate your totem so it feels like you're not in a dream at all. Since they don't have intimate knowledge of your totem, it is impossible for them to recreate it perfectly.

Totems are used to identify you're dreaming while inside someone else's dream. Dream signs are used to identify you're dreaming while in your own dream. On top of that, totems are useless while you are inside your own dream. Since you and you alone have intimate knowledge of the totem, there's no reason you can't recreate it perfectly within your own dream.

This is one of the reasons of the debate over the end of the movie. If Cobb is trapped in his own dream, the top will fall even if he were in reality. On top of that, so many people know of the top's properties, it would be child's play to drop him into a dream world where his top does fall.

Totems and dream signs are two very different thing with very similar uses but only within their own separate and very different contexts.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

When The Gods Stop Crying

I can see them spinning, the world sifting, shifting, and when the night grows so long, I can do nothing but try to add a light into this world.

Climb to the top of my lighthouse, and find the shining light. Try to climb down, and the stairs just go 'round and 'round. It may be a paradox or just trick of the mind. I could pinch you, but even in a dream you'd feel it. You know you climbed these stairs and made it to the top, but to descend... these are not the same stairs.

If you're tired, I left snacks under the lamp for you, and maybe more than that.

There's a dumbwaiter in the wall, and it will take more than your leftovers. As the doors close, it hardly feels like a dumbwaiter at all, as it plummets past depths you never could have reach on those stairs. You know it's descending, but there's no lurch in your stomach: you can breathe, you can swallow. It feels so real but some sensation is missing: the discomfort.

What is that in your pocket? I've never seen it before, and as you pull it out, I feel a strange presence, one that wasn't here before. What is that in your hand? I didn't create it, so you must have brought it with you. It's so bright, and I can't touch it, but I want it gone.

You toss it up in the air, and I reach out my fingers to catch it, but it just slips through my fingers as if I'm not really here. I'm worried it might taint my design, and you reach out your hand to catch it, but it just hangs there, spinning still but slowing, until there's a small full moon shining down on you.

A smirk, and you reach up for it again, and it becomes a coin once more, and this time I see her face, her name, in a glimpse before you slip it back into your pocket. Lady Liberty.

The doors open, and you're surprised. Good, I like that. You didn't notice when the elevator stopped descending, but you aren't startled when you step out of the old tree and into the broad field. I'm disappointed.

A rope snaps above your head, and you glance upward into the tree suddenly. A man hangs there, and I know I'm still in control. I know his face, since it's not much different from my own, though aged and wisened beyond what you ever perceived in my own.

Blood drips from a gaping hole in his side, and it slides down the tree, but he still breathes. You turn away, and look across the plain, though I wish you would return to him, you have places to go, miles before you sleep.

A farmhouse is on the other side of the plain of gold, wheat waving at you despite no breeze, but neither of us is bothered by this phenomenon. You start toward the farmhouse.

You're going to reach it faster than you think, for as lovingly as I built this landscape, even I can appreciate it for only so long. But, if you turn back to return to the tree, you will find the same trial as the staircase in the lighthouse. Still, there's no reason to try that: the farmhouse has all the answers you'll ever need.

The paint, once red, is peeling, and the wood is long dead and dark beneath, but the door opens without a squeek. A faint smell of long gone manure permeats the building, but it's not uncomfortably strong.

In one of the stalls, third from the back on the left, if I remember correctly, there's someone I want you to meet. Yes, there she is.

You'll perceive her as them, but it doesn't make any difference to what she is. She holds a cup while they lean over a trough, but they're both filled with the same water.

There's no reflection, but then, you weren't expecting one. OAR starts playing in your ears, and you dip your fingers into the water. She-They protests as you bring your fingers to your lips.

Friday, August 20, 2010

DMT: Two of Wands

harvesting my hard work
is work all the more,
but reaping all the benefits
is more than just a chore.

using all the tools
I've been keeping close at hand,
keeping active is keeping happy--
part of the master plan.

DMT: Nine of Swords (Mature)

Mature Content
--

sitting here always worrying,
while the devil does his perching,
on my shoulder always whispering
    too scared to leave my bed.

keeping all I need here,
as long as my dreams are near,
larger than the world out there,
    so why do I still feel dread?

Perception Deception (Mature)

Mature Content
--

how many times can I look at my shadow,
how many times can I dream I'm so hollow...
who would have thought the night was so damn long,
why did I think I would be strong enough...

I gotta keep on turning
   searching for that pattern,
I gotta keep turning,
   searching all for you...
I gotta keep turning,
   mistakes I keep making,
but I gotta keep working
   doing it all for you...

all these dreams I keep having
showing me things I tried to keep saving,
leaving me cold, sweating, shaking,
   to build a world for you.
all these troubles I keep having,
showing me I'm barely deserving,
leaving me hollow, crying, breaking,
   to make a home for you.

how many turns must I keep on making,
when my world just won't stop shaking,
it feels like I keep on faking---
   I'll always be turning back to you.
how many times can I lose and not shatter,
when it rains cobblestones 'til it's my blood that splatters,
it's too cold for my teeth to chatter,---
   I'll always be warming up for you.

keep nesting in the visions,
keep pacing through the night,
keep hoping, keep praying
   that all will turn out right.

the time keeps drawing longer,
my projections growing stronger,
the night keeps going on and on...
the blood is seeping faster,
and there's one thing left to ask her:
how far will we keep this going on...?

      maybe we should turn this thing around
   I think I'll turn this car around
I'm going to turn us all around.

--
Some lines borrowed from OAR's "Shattered." I claim no rights to these lines.

Monday, August 2, 2010

DMT: Death (Mature)

Mature Content
--

the end can be so attractive
as we're rutting in the sand:
the end of innocence and lonliness
as long as you're holding my hand.

the end can be so merciful
as we push against the grind:
the end of pain and suffering...
in these death is kind.

I'm finding death so beautiful
I want to hold it in my arms,
strong and subtle and lustful
disregarding logic's alarms.

it's pulling me in closer,
and I don't want to resist.
there's no panic in my eyes
when clothing ceases to exist.

I'm finding I'm growing harder,
to rutt between its legs,
I'm finding myself on my knees
and I didn't have to beg.

Death lays there presenting,
waiting for my spear.....
she's so tight within her hide,
but I feel as if I'm the one to tear.

she is clearly bearing
a baby in her inside.
it screams pleasure as I stroke,
it strokes my piercing hide.

there's nothing quite like coming
inside the belly of the beast---
but, to the unborn monster,
I was quite a feast:

it drank me 'til I bled,
though all felt like come to me.
I fucked Death, but instead
the mother devoured me.

it felt like an orgasm
when it ate my soul,
and I left behind no carcass---
playing the monster was now my role.

now I lived in Death,
it fed nutrients to my core;
I swam inside her ebony,
all the bliss I could endure.

This Is My Life

sitting 'neath the night sky,
throwing out these bones,
reading out my fortune,
telling the new and the known.

drawing out my life--
all I survey, all I see:
I see some hope, I see some strife,
and none surprising to me.

maybe I know where I'm going,
but I'm certainly getting there,
I dreamt my legacy so clearly,
I danced and fought and well-fared.

she stands there so stoic
and never needs to lean;
she once did support
a decent rapport,
but now I'm broken, bruised, and mean.

she's too much like a coin:
two sides: face and ass.
once I thought this was my place,
but I since flunked her class.

one sun, at least, shines one me
though sometimes beating on my back.
long will I toilm strong will I coil,
and success will lay on my track.

love is a long and rocky road,
but every journeyman still hums and sings,
he knows the dance and sees the dreams,
and one day will meet his wings.

and the future is always uncertain,
sometimes lonely in your dreams,
but you'll always have somewhere to stand,
the pain won't last as long as it seems:

the cards still promise me home,
someone to share with my life,
through the dreams and successes,
through the stumbles and the strife.

they promise nothing more
than what I can achieve,
but also nothing less
than what I dare believe.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Asili, the First Day


I wandered through dusk and dawn, through the sun rise and fall, with the fire of the sun ever on the horizon, until I came here, to this place with it's own ever-burning fires. I don't know what this city used to be called, but for now, it would be Asili.

Asili may have once been a pedestal upon which families made their homes, businessmen once made their fortunes, and bureaucrats shuffled papers, but now, it was a nearly empty husk, inhabited by those who could not make their way in the normal semblance of society.

I found a small flat, long empty, both deserted and looted, secured myself in a room in the basement, before making my way deeper into the maze. I was probably far more careful than necessary, as I avoided the untrod piles of ash between my hideaway and the front stoop of the flat, but until I was ready and capable to take over the whole building.

Smoke lingered heavily upon the road, and I lingered heavily in the cloudy shadows, though the particles teased my throat until it hurt to breathe, but I was presently weaponless besides my mind. It was early yet, the sky, what little could be seen, was light and gray. I found a small store off the main road about ten minutes of hunched and over-cautious staggering from the flat with it's windows smashed, most of the glass missing, and the stock pitiful at best, but I still stepped within and surveyed what remained.
Two long since molded through loaves of bread lay on a back shelf, their plastic bags still mostly intact, but I grabbed them anyway, tying the necks with a bit of string to the rear belt loop of my pants. They bounced uncomfortably, a reminder of the last time I had eaten, though not yet distant enough to make them appetizing. I knew that time would undoubtably come, nonetheless. A few pennies and a dime, more than worthless in this collapsed town found their way into my rear left pocket, since it had the fewest holes. In the space between broken floorboards, I spotted a small stash of smashed but unbroken cans of stew. Quickly, I took half for a total of three, tucked in my shirt, and dropped them down the back. Taking any more would put the trip back at risk, and I departed before I could make my load any more uncomfortable. I marked the place in my mind as best as I could so I didn't visit it again, though it was difficult to judge distances in the ever-present smog, and cautiously made my way back to the flat.

The trip back seemed quite longer, with the looting making me feel so vulnerable, but I made it back without incident. There seemed to be no fresh footprints in the ash, so I slipped inside, returned to the basement, and surveyed my surroundings.

Even this empty basement in this quiet, nondescript building felt vulnerable, so I built my own stash beneath the stairs between some loose bricks in the foundation wall and fallen rubble, and climbed back up into the flat itself. What furniture remained was broken nearly beyond use, except for the purpose of barricading myself in and others out, so that is what I set to work at doing. What windows on the first floor were not barricaded with planks, many of which appeared to have been ripped out and stolen for the fortifications of others, I laid obstacles beneath or closed off whole rooms. I was feeling paranoid, and took several hard swings at a load bearing wall before fearing for my own security and retreating from it until I had reassessed the property again.

I doubted, though, that anyone in passing, would take much surprise at the falling of a building, though they would certainly make little attempt to check for any one trapped inside, or in my case, beneath. As the world darkened around my new fortress, the sounds of the city, collapsed though it was, lifted from the muted murmur to a dull roar, and I retreated once again to my subterranean shelter to wait out the long and dangerous night.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm Not Colorblind, But I Live In A World of Black and White

come and look through my eyes
where i'm not the enemy
nor am i the blind

come and look through my eyes:
where i know the balance
and you draw the lines.

come look through my eyes
and you'll never see me again,
you think this is a war
   and you think you're the end

come look through my eyes
and you'll want back your own,
i see who's a means
   and who's not a friend.

come and look--
   but no, you flinch away
you won't see my side
   since you know i hold some sway.

come and look--
   but no, you won't see.
you know i might be right,
   but no, that cannot be.

rip off your blindfold
and open both your eyes.
she'll never be your daughter,
and your son no longer tries.

rip off the blindfold
and look INTO my eyes.
I'm running and leaping,
and you're not praying I fly.

Tarot In My Hand

what is your problem
with me and these cards:
they do you no pain
and they do you no harm.

they're pieces of paper
with art on their face,
instead of just numbers
and symbols in that place.

they provide me with pity,
which you never show;
they show me more
which you'll never know;

they open a door
to worlds you cannot see;
they show me a person
that you'll never be.

they open my eyes
to what I cannot say;
if only they'd open a hole
so you'd go away.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

MY Deck

I'm laying out my fortune
as my cards speak to me.
I've worked hard to get to know them,
and that's something you don't see.
I don't know what you're thinking
when you reach over to touch---
I know I've shared a lot,
but this is far too much.

I'm laying out a story,
for a world in my head.
I've worked out all the characters,
now laying the story on my bed.
I don't know what you're thinking
when you try to meet my cast---
I know they look so kind,
but security won't let you past.

I'm laying out an answer
to an inquiry that hurts me so.
I've put all the piece together:
at last, the picture shows.
I don't know what you're thinking
when you insist on touching my cards---
I know you're trying to be gentle
but you're tearing at my heart.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Bands, Part 5

Kris woke up shaking. An old dream, but too vivid to just be a simple dream. He shook his head and climbed off the cot in the back of the wagon. The axles bounced underneath him, and he started remembering.

~

The night before, Katie was helping him. Trying to help him.

Just focus. That's all it is. Don't resist. Your body knows, your heart knows, your Gift knows. They all know what to do. Your mind just needs to let them do what they want to do, what they need to do. Your mind just needs to watch and learn. Your own experience is your best teacher.

"But what about you? And stop that mindspeak stuff. You know it gives me a headache."

"Sorry. I just-- I know the books. I've read the theories and methods. I know the teachings! That was enough for me, to be able to do it. You need the experience, a guiding mind. But I don't have any practice: it's all book learning. You've been out in the real world, not trapped in that hut with Paul."
Kris shook his head.

"I know it's hard. Your mind and body have aged and are nearly set in their ways for life. But you can still grow and change and learn new things. You have plenty of time."

"No, we don't. Never enough time. We're racing to stop something and we don't even know where or what it is. I don't even know how you can lead us. They don't know where we are, I certainly don't know even with all my wandering. I don't think you even know."

Katie shook her head, shrugging. "It's the book."

"You can't read it!"

"No, not yet. But I can feel it. I can feel what it wants. It's much like when I came into your mind, or Paul’s'. But it's a different experience. It-- It's not conscious like we are, it's--well, I suppose you could call it its mind--knows what it wants and doesn't jump around so much. Language is a minor barrier in the landscape of the mind."

"So, then, where are we going?"

Katie took his hand, and Kris let her in. "Not where. When. We're going Home." She showed him the vision, and he blacked out when she pulled away.

~

It was the first time she came into his mind.

Something was wrong with him, he was trapped in his head and somebody else was controlling his body. Sometimes it would let him out, then laugh at him when he tried to get help. Nobody would understand.

One day it had let him out, thinking they were alone. Kris came out and stretched, cramped from being pushed into a corner of his mind. This time, he just started talking. The thing that controlled him, that had taken over his body, had control of his mind speak.

But this time, Katie was nearby, and she heard both sides of it. Dear little Katie, once a cute little sister; but now older and wiser thanks to Paul's machinations, though she always seemed to be blessed with understanding. Katie had approached her older brother, took his hand, and smiled. "I hear you, Kris," she had said.

Afterward, he could never find the words to properly describe it. His mind had been his most private sanctuary, violated by the thing, and then by Katie. But she was so gentle, her touch careful, not wreaking havoc. One moment his mind felt very full with three consciousnesses. Two of them fought each other indescribably, while Kris tried, helplessly weakened, to stay out of their way. They trampled through his memories and his thoughts, his hopes, dreams and secrets.

He thought it would never end, but suddenly one of them was gone. The other soon followed, much more gently, closing the door to his mind carefully behind her. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was Katie smiling up at him, holding his hand.

When he woke, she was still there by his side.

~

Kris jumped when Katie touched his shoulder, and his thoughts returned to the present.

"Sorry."

"No, it's alright." There was that face again, aged, but the smile was still the same.

"What is it?"

He hadn't realized he was staring at her. "Nothing. I was just remembering." He lifts up the band that's around his wrist, and a thought comes to him. "Transparent, so transparent and faded. But it wants to be bright; it shines so bright. When his shines, I wonder if the color fades, knowing it shouldn't be...."

"Kris, what are you thinking?"

"I know where we're going, now. I know who he is."

~

Home.

It was a word that once meant little to him, before Paul came and showed them that they were so much more and had no choice in the matter. Before they were led outside the world that Kris sought to escape from as a child, and now, instead of it pulling them back, Kris could feel it pushing, pushing them away. Nonetheless, Kris, with Katie at his side, pushed back.

Home was where Katie, so precocious, saw the Bands that were hers, her brother's, and Paul's, before she knew what any of it meant, and now, knowing so much more, felt so less certain of her path. All those years, as they felt like now, spent with Paul in the hut, learning and growing and guided, had amounted to so little in the shadow of her grown little brother.

Oh Paul, if only you were here, she mindspoke, focusing on his bandwidth, but there was no response.

Home was where Kris lost himself the first time, was given help by his sister, and brought back to himself; where Kris lost himself a second time, and was offered a hand up, but slapped it away; where he made his choice by refusing to choose, and found his way in the world still. Along his path he had made fewer friends than enemies, but came into his own power all the same. Although battered, he was stronger for it, in ways neither he nor his sister had yet come to realize.

Home, where their mother once lived, though they both knew she didn't wait for their return, didn't expect it, didn't miss them, and had resigned her two children to non-existence; where their mother once was, though Kris could no longer see her face or hear her voice, and Katie could no longer feel her touch.

Home. They were going home.

~

Don and Nol sat separated, one in the front of the wagon, holding the reins, the other watching out the rear curtains. Though physically apart, they were still in touch with each other, from long practice, partnership, and similarity of minds.

The landscape around them was wreathed in thick fog, shifting about them and teasing their eyes and minds with shapes that could not have been, should not be, whether they tormented their past memories and nightmares or not. Early in the journey to the place Katie called Home with a spark in her eyes and Kris dull in his, she asked them to bind the horses' eyes and trust in their footing. Don and Nol did so, the horses patient and calm with their familiar and light touch, and indeed, they had not yet stumbled or falter, and Katie and Kris had not led them stray.

Strange shapes appeared so fleetingly out of the mists that both the fore and rear guards, Don and Nol, doubted their senses but made them ever grateful of the early request.

~

The creaking of the axels and familiar shapes in the mist brought Nol back into his memories. The rattling changed, from a dirt track to a gravel road in his ears and mind, and the memories came rushing back.

~

Nol watched out the back curtains of the swaying wagon as his mother and step-father argued at the reins. It didn't much matter what they were arguing about, he didn't hear it anymore; between the slowly changing landscape, the tamest part of nature, and his growing and wild imagination, he didn't even see his parents most of the time. Life was good as long at you didn't think about it too much.

In his dreams, the sidekick to the hero got equal attention to his part, which more often than not was more than the hero. He dreamt of the afterglow of the flashes of limelight and the long and arduous adventures in between; adventures drawn out way past suppertime and again beginning at the crack of dawn.

The wagon jerked to a halt, and footsteps trotted around the side. But instead of seeing his bellowing mother, it was Katie.

~

"Are you alright, Nol?"

He jerked back, their faces superimposed for one startling moment before he drew back into the present.
"Sorry. I was just—"

"Remembering. I know. The mists do that to all of us. Unfortunately, your memories are leaking into ours, and Kris and I are having a hard enough time meshing our own. We're both missing a lot of pieces."

"Sorry." He hung his head, feeling guilty.

The wagon shifted on its wheels and suddenly Katie was sitting beside him. Nol felt Don jerk the reins, and they were moving again.

"Don't you need to be in front?"

"Sometimes seeing where we've been is as much of a tell as to where we're going as watching the road ahead." She flashed a smile at him. "Besides, I have some remembering of my own to do that Kris doesn't want to think about."

Katie leaned back against the pile of supplies beside Nol, and to his surprise, began to speak.

~

"As much as I remember of growing up before meeting Paul and finding out about the Bands, I remember almost nothing of my mother, and nothing at all of my father. It's not that she wasn't there—he wasn't, certainly—instead, she was an active part of my life. Other memories have just grown in stronger."

"Sometimes, it's the bad time we remember the strong," interjected Nol."

Katie opened her eyes and smiled at him. "Exactly. Fortunately, she's not the reason we're going back, and a large part of me prays she isn't there." Katie closed her eyes once more.

"Anyway, Kris was often getting into trouble as we were growing up, more out of not doing things he should have than doing things he shouldn't.

"One day when he was out, playing or dreaming where he shouldn't have been at all, something came over him, and his behavior started going downhill. Kris started doing things that weren't like him, but they worsened so slowly it's hard to pinpoint when it started the day I realized it.

"Mom was out for some reason or another and we were confined to the house and garden. I was outside and Kris was in when I heard his voice change. I didn't try to get any closer to him, knowing that I probably could but didn't want to take that chance.

"The voice… it was so scared. It was Kris's voice, I realized, a voice I hadn't heard in so long, since before his behavior started deteriorating, and the voice I'd been hearing him use since wasn't his at all.

"My big brother was frightened, and for all the times he stood and protected me… I wanted to help him this time.

"When Mom came back, Kris wandered out and I followed carefully. It wasn't the first time I'd done that, but this time, everything would be ruined if he caught me. I trailed farther behind than I'd ever dared before, drawing his into sight only enough to see where he turned in the woods and then letting him slowly leave me behind again. At the last turn,… I'd thought I'd lost him, but he'd stepped through a coarse bramble. I backtracked a bit and found him.

"It was as if whatever had gotten into him was letting him out on a very short leash when nobody else was around, and the rest of the time being imprisoned in his own head.

"I was just trying to reach out to him, before I knew of these things we can do. I whispered 'I hear you, Kris,' and they spun and glared at me. Kris had been fighting for so long but by now he simply ran out of strength….

"The thing inside him pulled him back into that prison so hard that hard body went limp and they both lost control of it. Before I knew it, I was beside him, cradling my big brother's head in my lap. Without knowing what I was doing, my fingers were brushing his hair from his temples and pressing against them, and then I was diving into his head.

"It was such a very long way down, but I wanted to help him so badly. I don't know how long I was in there with him, but I know I made a mess of everything. I trampled through Kris's thoughts as ruthlessly and carelessly as that monster, fighting over the fading spark that was my brother.

"Back then, it was only by sheer force of will that I fought with it then, but I've learned so much since then. I just hope it's enough."

A single tear fell slowly from her eye. "He was never the same afterward, and then Paul came along. Kris was growing stronger but still very weak, as if he wasn't growing evenly all around.

"All Paul wanted to was help, but all Kris saw it as was another attempt to imprison him, so he fell behind and never really learned his way through the mists."

~

Nol wasn't sure what to say or do, so he simply let Katie finish on her own.

"But when I saw him with you, and holding the Book too, it was so hard to believe. He's found his own way and come into his own strength. He is more whole than I've ever seen." She opened her eyes and smiled at him.

"And now we're searching for that monster you pulled out of him."

"And now we're searching for the last piece to make my brother whole."

DMT: Seven of Wands

I'll wander through the forest
and keep my fears in check.
I may be here, alone,
but I come at the moon's beck.

I'll wander down the roadway,
and never feeling lost.
I may not have seen this place before,
but I only fear the frost.

I'll wander ever deeping
into this ever present Spring.
Summer, like Dawn, always 'round the corner,
but, for now, Dreams take wing.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

DMT: Ace of Pentacles

to hold the world in one's arms,
to know all the hurt and feel no alarm,
to smile at fate as if dinner were eyed,
to know the joys and wings of flight.

wrap your wings around the sphere,
with the freedom to simply fly from here,
hold it close, hold it tight,
keep it safe in flighting flight.

'neath the ever heavenly moon
where there once was plenty of room.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

DMT: Nine of Wands

I built myself an altar
yet no-one ever comes,
I built for us a staircase
that none climbs but one.

I built for all a future
when nobody would hold my hand,
I built for all a promise
where anybody could land.

I built myself a testament,
a roadway to the moon....
I think I'll go and climb it
since none will miss me soon.

DMT: Six of Cups

why do they always jeer
   as if I'm here
   to put on a show?
why do they always laugh
   as if I'm half
   of what I show?
why do they always chuckle
   as if my knees buckle
   for their pleasure?
why do they always clap--
   half-assed
   when up to them I do not measure?

DMT: Six of Wands

may you come and pass the baton,
may you offer your right hand,
may you bid the best for me,
may you help me make my stand,

may you offer me your aid,
may you force me on your throne,
may you ask me to lead you...
    ask my will to be your own.

I don't know why fireflies
choose to circle 'round my head,
I don't know why you salute me
in someone else's place instead,

I don't know why I am
so good at what I do,
I do know, however,
I'll do my best not to disappoint you.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Not Now, Not Tonight

i don't need any windows
since i've got my mind inside,
it takes me for the wildest,
endless ride.

i don't need to meet you,
when i already know you through,
for here, my imagination,
has taken over for you.

i don't need any lyrics,
i've already supplied the melody,
and the spirit that moves
is here inside of me.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

DMT: Seven of Cups

what I look at to create
is not always what you see.
I look of the heart or soul,
to tear apart or make it whole,
and then present it for you to read.

what I feel to create
is not what you say.
I hear the mood and the tone,
if you ask, berate, or simply moan,
and my words may sooth or flay.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

DMT: Two of Pentacles

dance under the moon,
live under the stars,
swim in the night,
   beating with your hear.
listen to the shound of the planet spinning 'round,
listen listen listen
as you dance upon the ground

dance in the city,
live in the woods,
swim in the prairie,
   shaking all your goods.
listen to the shound of the planet spinning 'round,
listen listen listen
as you dance upon the ground

dance as a spirit,
dance on your skin,
dance in the moonlight,
   swaying in the wind
listen to the shound of the planet spinning 'round,
listen listen listen
as you float upon the ground

DMT: Five of Cups

so what if I play your games,
you'll still never approve:
you'll yell and cream and bitch
and on again I'll move.

when my hand sets the pawn
it's always out of place.
you'll come around and tell me off
as if I cowered at your face.

and when I turn and speak
of past incidences and such,
you'll deny them to your death
that they ever happened so much.

so go and open that mouth,
I won't listen when you speak.
flail and try to strike me,
I'll keep dodging out of reach.

I don't know where I got my grace,
for certain none came from you,
for as you try to stomp towards me
I'll keep dancing out of view.

DMT: Ten of Wands

gather wood for the fire
though it will never be enough,
carry as much as you can bear,
but the cold will still be gruff.

gather wands for your altar,
bleached and blessed by the moon;
take your time in collecting,
though it may be dawn soon.

DMT: Seven of Swords

show me what you think as pain,
and I will show you calm;
try to cut my throat
and I'll have it eaten by the dawn.

show me what you think is twisted
and I'll tie myself in to a knot;
try to try and bind me
and I'll have you chained upon the spot.

show me what you're aiming for
and I'll move the target back;
try to make it easier
and I'll desert you on your track.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I'll Never Give You Closure (Mature)

Mature Content
--

play the music
you know she hates
since it winds her up inside
blare the speakers
tempt the fates
she could run but she only hides.

play the music
that turns her on,
lose control and writhe.
blare the speakers
so she can't move on--
instead lays there and acts alive.

play the music
til she wets herself
when she really wants to come
blare the speakers
til she begs your help
ease the need til the song is done.

play the music
play the music
over and over on repeat.
blare the speakers
blare the speakers
til she can neither move nor speak.

Friday, June 25, 2010

DMT: Ace of Cups

such beauty in ebony
reflected in ivory light
gazing at the best of me
beneath moon shining bright

such wonders held in skin,
adorned in soft and flowing sheets
staring less at me-- moreso in
my heart flutters, stutters, repeats.

such intoxicating of a drink,
purified by the moonlight,
eying the trance I sink
into, helpless in her sight.

she could let her gown fall
and I could not move at all,
she chould do whatever she chose.

should could bed me there on the stone,
tease til my mind was well blown,
or ne'er let me kiss even her toes.

she could keep me up well til dawn,
and when the sun burned our ground,
fin'lly let my release release exposed.

DMT: Page of Pentacles

gaze on at the pattern,
the completed final design,
before your struggle through the 'ssembly,
make all the parts align.

study singular perfection
before you make your mold,
before you try to replicate
something never growing old.

examine the cornerstone
before you make your cut
to keep the foundation--
building a church, a factory, a hut.

imagine something so whole
with your own piecemeal mind
regardless what you're making
to stand the test of time.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

DMT: Four of Pentacles

don't try to keep the wealth you stole:
   you'll never feel true and whole.
don't melt it down and change its face:
      it'll still tear your heart in the same place.

don't try to hide from time,
      dancing in the fire, in the night, in the rhyme;
don't try, don't run, don't hide--
      nothing will stop you breaking up inside.

don't try to replace it--
      the damage it well past done;
don't try to repay it--
      too late, the fate, to save you from.

      run away fast
      and run away far,
      run away til you
      can't see those stars
      shining bright and
      guiding you...
            shining bright and
            staring.
      shining bright and
      finding you...
            it's long past time for
            despairing.

DMT: Ten of Pentacles

crouch beneath the table,
    hidden and alone,
sit bent up uncomfortable,
    feel pain you've always known.

kneel beneath the archway,
    a door you cannot breach,
hold onto the crumbs of the gods,
    whose dice you'll never reach.

pray beneath the moon
    as it smiles down on you,
know it's laughing at the world
    as we think we're holding true.

shiver beneath the smokestacks,
    hot industry hard at work,
with a pain between your ribs:
    economy's uncaring dirk.

reach for the pawns
    until your hand's slapped away,
but keep on reaching for it--
    they'll forget you're there someday.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

DMT: Four of Wands

bind us here in harmony,
let the vine around us grow,
come together--meeting that binds
in this crescent glow.

build us a living home,
a castle meant to grow,
a seed of the future--spawned of the past,
dream's drawbridge spanning even shadow.

give us pillars to stand on,
four all standing true,
growing together--a seed of forever,
a promise between me and you.

from here to leap up so high,
a tree of water, of earth, and of sky,
a firey moon--showing all of the room
to spread our wings and fly.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Come and See What Might Happen

come and turn the circle,
come and chase the sun,
come and repeat repeat repeat
come until the day is done.

come and visit nature,
come and visit me,
come and wait, come and watch,
come and let things be.

come, sit, and wonder,
come, dream, and hope,
come, be promised the future,
come, heal and cope.

come and offer it all back,
come and give your alms,
come, come, come,
come and become becalmed.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hold Your Breath

swim in the sea of sensibility,
dive deep until day turns to twilight,
where beauty magnified and all is at peace,
and dance is the only thing of bright.

blow a bubble and spin it around,
mix the light and the movement and the sound,
bring the melody within to breathe:
this is a heaven... underneath.

free-lance a waltz in free-fall,
invite in two and invite in all,
leave gravity alone knocking at the door
until we breach the surface once more.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Come On Over


come and tell me what you think,
don't turn those thoughts and whispers away.
come and tell me what you hear
and I'll reward you for what you say.

come and brush forward
these bangs and block my eyes.
come and watch me spin and spin,
and we'll make sure this style never dies.

come and blend on in
with the wall while I stand out.
it doesn't matter how you look at here,
you're gonna stare while I look about.

come and watch as I pass,
I'll keep passing and walking away,
or come and see who I really am:
you'll realize it doesn't matter what they say.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

This Pen of Mine

go and draw a line,
take and twist upon itself,
create a picture for your soul,
not framed on wall or shelf.

long or short,
it's still a line,
a line, a line,
in this pen of mine.

come and weave a yarn,
a tale to love and grow,
keep you warm on chilly nights,
to have, to keep, to hold.

long or short,
it's still a line,
wound real tight
in this pen of mine.

kneel and plant a seedling,
to climb and venture far;
build a ladder to the sky,
and sleep beneath the stars

long or short,
it's still a line,
curves, crosses, dots
in this pen of mine.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Always and Forever

she came back strong and hard,
the ghost in heart and head,
nearly as strong as the day I lost her,
I went on living for something I could have said.

she came and pulled me down,
my feet concrete interred,
crushing waves high overhead,
breathing sweet salty blue while my lungs burned.

a bartender's last call for alcohol,
a sweetheart's last claim for heart;
yesterday I gave it away again,
this time: no-one can claim a part.

this time: I'm loving full out again.
this time: I'm not holding back.
this time she offered to wait for me.
yesterday I drew in the slack.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Untitled

surround me in the greenery,
lay me down on swaying grasses,
where my heart is no longer quivering,
and the breeze around me passes.

surround me with twisting branches,
nest me in aromatic needles,
where my mind collects its snatches,
and any desire to leave... too feeble.

surround me under clouds and sky,
huddle me in your sun-lit hold,
where my soul is whole and high
    where you once taught me to fly,
and only my reach is bold.

Untitled

surround me in the greenery,
lay me down on swaying grasses,
where my heart is no longer quivering,
and the breeze around me passes.

surround me with twisting branches,
nest me in aromatic needles,
where my mind collects its snatches,
and any desire to leave... too feeble.

surround me under clouds and sky,
huddle me in your sun-lit hold,
where my soul is whole and high
   where you once taught me to fly,
and only my reach is bold.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Never Before (Mature)


she drew me like a siren,
harnessed me like a horse,
tamed me like a stallion,
rode me with a force;

between pounding me into submission
and stoking my fires deep inside,
she gave me something better
that I couldn't ever hide.

she gave me all this feeling
that never came to me before:
she took me on a trip
and all I want is more.

Together We'll Win Out


I'll be your bridge tonight,
if you'll be my scarlet robe;
I'll connect us as we dance,
you'll wrap me head to toe.

I'll be the rhythm of your heart,
if you'll keep pounding to the beat;
I'll sing you a new melody,
you'll find me twice as sweet.

I'll glow in your darkness,
if you'll save me from the light;
I'll drown out all the ugly stars,
you'll hold me with everlasting might.

Be Willing

Mature Content
--

I'll show you where dreams are laid,
that's no mirage across the road.
give me your strength and your willingness
and I'll help you carry my load.

I'll show you where we'll be alone,
storm clouds the only blanket we need:
I'll uncover you, you'll uncover me,
and they'll rain a torrent of seed.

I'll build a new city for you
inside what's outside of us.
I'll build the throne and make you my queen,
just give me your willingness and trust.

Monday, April 12, 2010

How To Train A Family

however I try to prove myself
you find my methodology wrong,
try to fit your job to my style,
but I'm never allowed along.

however I try the right thing,
you can't see through my eyes;
I run farther, jump higher,
and you never watch me try.

I succeeded and you didn't see it,
too busy with yourself;
it took saving the world to change it,
and sacrificing my health;

but there's no damsels here to rescue,
no dragons here to tame,
no magic to bespell,
no heroics to my name;

there's nothing here to strive for,
but my own personal health;
if I'm never enough in your eyes,
your presence adds no wealth.

if your presence does me nothing,
I'll pack up and fly away,
or treat me as Who I Am
and in my life you'll stay.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Not Your Adulthood

you don't know what you've done to me,
watching me grow up---like this.
you don't know where it came from
   who I am
   what I am
      is not what you saw in your kids.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Broken Puppet

however hard you hit me
that's how hard you're gonna get,
pound your body like a xylophone
pull your spine like a marionette.

shake you shake you,
til the sun blurs into a line,
so fast, so hard,
it'll be your doom written in the sky.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Saved In Another Timeline


a butterfly hit my windshield,
driving home this very night,
squandered all that beauty
impacting in my sight.

a butterfly flew right by me,
and I biked on down the road,
pumping my pedals with my strength,
caught by my sight alone.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Choices Amount To The Same Thing (Mature)

Mature Content
--

bend me over backwards
til I'm facing only sky,
light my soul on fire
    with a lick
    or a twist
til we spread our wings and fly.

bend me over forwards
til my forehead meets the floor,
hop on in and push me
    with a nudge
    or a thrust
and the world won't matter any more.

bend me around you,
bend yourself into me,
promise me tomorrow
    with a kiss
    so long a kiss...
and stay forever here with me.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My Seed Pod

sitting in my capsule,
all wrapped in green and blue,
comfy seat and interface
and too little work to do.

sitting in the captain's chair,
every control I could dream and use,
control all the world from here,
but no one to abuse.

sitting in my comfort zone
while my toys have all turned grey,
sitting here and waiting,
with nothing left to say

Ambush?


sneak up behind us
like you're barely even there,
we're caught up in our watching,
caught completely unaware.

you blend into no shadows,
stand brightly in the sun,
walk on heavy iron feet,
walk when you could have run.

maybe we'll turn and catch you,
maybe it'll be too late,
maybe we're doomed to die today
or maybe we're the bait.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Bartholomew

And Bartholomew burned.

Everything burned before any alarm could be given, and how the fire had started... no one could say. It was almost as if... no, it was exactly as if every tree was lit on fire at exactly the same time, along with nearly every house, mailbox, bush, and quite a few blades of grass. When the blaze died down enough for county fire marshals to close in and put out the embers, the city was a dead zone. Not even a war zone--a dead zone; there was nothing left to save. Arson experts were brought in and left empty handed and none the wiser. Bomb experts were brought in and left scratching their heads.

 The city of Bartholomew was gone, and all that remained was ash.



~

Jorge carried pamphlets in his car. Most of them, he disagreed with, views too strong for his own taste, even when he leaned in the same direction. A few were so moderate, they could be called extremist-moderate without metioning self-contradiction or oxymorons.

He didn't read them, or pass them out to strangers whether they wanted them or just took them to get him to go away. Instead, he saved them for those who approached him, with their own views and pamphets and preachings.

Jorge, or as he introduced himself, Yorg, didn't smile much and kept to himself. He didn't keep a lover or entertain guests, didn't socialize at work when he could be found there, didn't keep or betray trusts, rumors, or lies.

His home was a small building, set apart from the road and blocked from sight by a small forest, though when he played music, a muffled echo could be heard by those passing by.

Jorge moved out of Bartholomew and into this house exactly one year before the city burned.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Off-Schedule Romance (Mature)

Mature Content
--

when you work those late nights
and I those early morns,
don't be afraid to make me
your own bed adorn.

I'll curl up in your sheets
while I wait for you to come,
I'll stay awake 'til I sleep,
and when your shift is done

you may or may not wake me,
you may cuddle at my side,
or tie me down and play--
force my eyes (and more) open wide.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Only Lover (Mature)

Mature Content
--

take a deep breath or it'll all float away
take a long gander from midnight until midday
make a deep promise to the moon's own delight
make a new beginning in the glowing, haunting light

unfurl yourself and absorb the glow,
no tan so great as when you show
the moon all your beauty,
the moon all your skin,
unfurl your soul and let the world begin.

lift up your head to the crescent above,
howl to the one that holds your love,
promise your body, your mind, your keep,
promise that one secret, and bury it deep.

dear Luna your lover, dear Luna your friend,
dear Luna, dear Luna, your birth-life-end.