Wednesday, November 8, 2006

When I Kneel


the touch of a hand on my shoulder,
   when I can see nobody there;
the warmth of an arm holding me close,
   so I know that He still cares.

I've had my time to wander and search,
   He has let me hide and doubt;
but when the trauma comes, and the grief,
   He knows I never kicked him out.

He understands I refuse to return
   to the church and what they preach,
but as long as I acknowledge Him in my own way
   I can receive what He needs to teach.

when I go to bed at night
   and miss feeling her body close,
I know that she--through His loving touch
   will never let me go.

and when I stagger through the halls
   with my bags heavy on my back,
I know that They are helping me bear the weight,
   whispering to keep me on track.

when I get lost in the fog
   that shrouds this plane in fear,
when I yearn for blindness in His Sight,
   and for darkness to come near,

He is keeping close company,
   keeping close but letting me flail.
and when I remember that I need to live,
   He's there to light the trail.

He will help me when I ask,
   when I humbly bow my head---
for I never do stand so tall
   than when I kneel instead.

Monday, November 6, 2006

Anubis's Scales

the girl whose heart broke Anubis's scale
gave herself to others to the finest detail.
everyday she fought the battle she ultimately lost,
and she herself would pay the cost.

she gave me her heart when I offered her mine,
and all those months we had were far from enough time.
if we had had years, it would have still hurt so much--
I'd give my everything, just for another brief touch.

but instead, I'm living, for my sake and hers,
living and loving until it becomes my turn
to face Anubis and his golden scales,
to hopefully cash in what a loving heart entails:

to outweigh his feather, to outweigh my sins,
eternal life with her instead of pain with him;
to keep loving and living, in her arms and mine,
together forever, for the rest of all time.

Half My World

my heart hurts as it tries to beat,
my arms feel heavy, my legs are weak,
my head is throbbing, stomach won't be still...
all that keeps me is my will.

my joints pop and ache as I walk,
my throat scratches when I try to talk,
half my world has left me forever--
and I'm doing my best to ride out this tremor.

she went to a place I cannot go,
left me to live and continue to grow,...
someday I will be brought to that place,
and she and I will forever embrace.

time will not interrupt us then:
united indefinitely, hand in hand.

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Time Enough

the day is drawing slowly dark,
coming gently to a close,
and still I weep for my girl--
I know she's there, I know she knows.

may you be there when I pass,
and may we have eternity.
may you be whole, and healed, and mine,
and lose this sour mortality.

may the dawn come again,
to let us live and love,
may when shed these again husks,
and for once have time enough.

Refusing to Rain

tears do not come, though I feel they should,
my body numb, my heart grows old.
it hurts to bring an end to all this
entirely to her, my heart was sold.

the world is not ending when I feel it should,
though I know this is not the end.
a peace in my heart but fear in my soul,
held up by the best of friends.

I'm finding it hard to breathe,
it's so hard for me to believe;
this is too unreal--
it's not the deal
I signed up for when I asked her to be with me.

the sky refuses to rain,
but the clouds diffuse to pain.
I could not handle sun today...
not without her--for whom I pray.

the Captain's come to carry you home--
that you may watch over us...
that we may not be so alone.